Saint's Red and White
by Cradlerobber Speedo-kun
Summary: Ichigo tries to give Rukia a Valentine's Day present but gets deterred by the oddest group of suitors. IchiRuki, MatsuHitsu, and one sided: KeigoxIchigo, HirakoxIchigo, IshiIchi, YumiIchi, and Ochi senseixdelinquent student. This is a crackfest, folks.


A/N: Just as a warning – this started out normally enough, and then it suddenly turned into a crackfest. I'm guessing someone slipped me a crack muffin at breakfast. O.o; This was done for the bleachexchange group over on livejournal. Rejoice in the utter oddity. (Oh, no, I've become a KeigoxIchigo and HirakoxIchigo fangirl... gah...)

**Saint's Red and White **

****

He was frowning slightly, standing outside the classroom door and shifting the small parcel from one hand to the other. He was considering just dumping it out the window – after all, this was just a foolish holiday invented to make money, and, hell, he wasn't a girl, and wasn't this just a holiday for girls to give stuff? Why had he even bothered to get something for Rukia in the first place?

He glanced down at his hands. It wasn't anything really big, and it wasn't very elaborate either. It was just a small box shaped like Chappy the Bunny's head with a little Chappy chap-stick hanging off of it, and filled with chocolates of some sort. He knew she'd like it – it was just a matter of actually giving it. He scowled; he knew he never should've bothered.

With a rare sense of resignation, he slid the classroom door open, and began to step in…

Unfortunately, Keigo magically appeared just in time to clamp onto Ichigo's neck before he even made it into the classroom. "Iiiiichigoooo! Happy Valentine's Day! I have brought chocolate for you to express the deep bonds of male friendship!" As Ichigo attempted to pry him off, Keigo spotted the box of chocolates he had in hand and popped off and took a step back, a horrified facial expression settling on him, "Ichigo! Is that…! Whatever happened to our most holy bonds of male friendship!" He burst forth into exaggerated tears, "And after I took such time to get you something, you abandon me for a mere girl who holds no such sacramental relationship with you!" He then fell to the floor, his hands grasping at the tiles as he continued his crocodile tears, "I am so hurt…"

Ichigo ignored him and continued on to his desk. Keigo looked up to see his retreating back and quickly threw himself on Mizuiro's mercy, "Look at that, Mizuiro! I don't matter to him any more! Oh, the cruel waves of adolescence!" He grasped his arms around Mizuiro's ankles, and wailed. However, Mizuiro barely seemed to notice, instead surveying the sizable pile of chocolates and other such candy on his desk. As usual, he had done quite well with the female contingent, and really didn't feel like bothering with Keigo's usual histrionics.

Meanwhile, Ichigo was mildly surprised to find what appeared to be a red, cardboard box of chocolates stuck in his desk. He pulled it out, and eased the lid off the box, wondering who sent it. Upon removing the lid, he was greeted with a little card which read:

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue

If you join the Vizoreds

I'll love you too!"

A twitch made its way across Ichigo's face, as he felt an arm thrown around his shoulders. "Oh, good morning Ichigo! I see you've seen my Valentine's present! I do hope it's to your liking, Hiyori thought it was ridiculous but I thought that chocolate strawberries suited you well…" He continued to babble, even as Ichigo elbowed him off and away, and shoved the box back into his hands. This clearly was not meant to be his day.

The bell finally gave a crisp ring, and Ichigo was relieved to be falling into his seat. He guiltily remembered the chocolates he had for Rukia, and jammed them into the desk. It wasn't his fault he hadn't been able to deliver them – who knew that Keigo… well, alright, Keigo acting like a fruitcake wasn't too out of the ordinary, but he hadn't expected such a direct appeal from Hirako to join the Vizoreds during homeroom. How the hell was receiving Hirako's love supposed to make him want to join the Vizoreds, anyway?

The morning crept by slowly enough, with Ochi-sensei being a tinge weirder than normal. Apparently, one of the kids she always called a delinquent had sent her chocolate, and the revelation seemed to have simply accentuated her oddness. That or the sugar from the chocolate was just making her more energetic.

With the coming of lunch, Ichigo slipped out of the classroom and got as far away from his classmates as possible. There was no telling which weirdo would be the next to freak out on him in their attempts to give him a Valentine's Day gift – this was just the safest way to make it through the day. There were people who could give Valentines normally enough (Tatsuki and Orihime had managed to give him something earlier) but the freaks seemed to outnumber these normal people. Okay, so they didn't really, but the amount of their weirdness just overwhelmed anyone with normal sentiments.

Ichigo slumped against a concrete wall on the roof of the building, glad to be away from it all. He then snapped his eyes open, remembering that he had left Rukia's present in his desk, and cursed softly. Well, there went another opportunity. At the rate he was going she just wasn't going to be getting it all.

He heard the door to the roof creak open slightly, and looked, expecting to see Chad or Orihime. Instead, it was Ishida. He wordlessly approached him, and then stuck out his arm, revealing that a plain box with the Quincy design on it. Ichigo blinked. Ishida continued to hold it out in front of him. Ichigo blinked again, then tentatively pointed to himself. "Well, aren't you going to take it!" Ishida finally snapped.

"Er, yeah, I guess." He took it, and opened it. More chocolates, and something embroidered. He looked up at Ishida, but the sunlight reflected off his glasses, making it impossible to read his face. He paused a moment, and then, "I thought you said next time we met we'd be enemies."

Ishida turned away and pushed his glasses up, "Who said they weren't filled with cyanide?" Ichigo rolled his eyes, replacing the lid to the box while Ishida walked away, "Four-eyed Quincy freak…"

A little while later Ichigo was back in the classroom, lunch having ended. He put the box from Ishida into his desk, along with that from Tatsuki and Orihime. He discovered, to his displeasure, that Hirako had left his present to him in the desk again, disregarding Ichigo's hostility towards the gift. And there, too, was Keigo's, although he could see that Keigo was slumped over his own desk a few rows away, giving off almost physical waves of despair. He briefly wondered if there was a sign on him that said, "Hey freaks! Give me presents for Valentine's Day!"

The afternoon classes went a little more quickly, and it was easy enough to escape from the classroom with his sanity semi-intact. However, before he reached home he was accosted by Matsumoto (and nearly knocked unconscious by her boobs) and given more candy, with pinches to his cheeks remarking on how much of an adorable kid he was. Hitsugaya stood by, offering no help. He had small red spots on his cheeks, probably from receiving similar treatment from Matsumoto only a little earlier. But there was a smudge of red on his cheek which looked suspiciously like lipstick, and Ichigo cast a suspicious glance at Matsumoto before she bounded off. He could've sworn there were laws against that.

Just when he thought he was home free, he realized that there was someone standing n his front steps. He froze, expecting the worst. And, in many ways, it was.

"Oh, Ichigo! You're home, your sisters said you would be home soon!" Yumichika bounced off the front steps and onto Ichigo, hugging him close and landing a large kiss on his cheek. Ichigo thought he was going to die. He tried to force Yumichika off, but Yumichika remained attached, grasping with one arm around Ichigo's neck while he searched his bag for Ichigo's present. "Aha! Here it is!" He let go and forced a very lacy and pink box of chocolates into Ichigo's hands, and sighed airily, "I can't help it, you have a certain sense of beauty about you, especially for a ryoka!" He twirled off, and Ichigo instantly felt pity for whatever poor soul happened to run into him next.

He stepped into his house, and sighed in relief, knowing his father was still at work and wouldn't be bothering him. He made his way up the stairs, breathing in the smell of Yuzu's cooking and ignoring the verbal jabs Karin was making about the amount of candy he was toting up to his room. He dropped the presents onto his desk, and flopped down onto his bed, exasperated. Rukia's present was still clutched in his hand.

The next thing he knew he was awakening to a cold breeze and his room was dim, lit only by the weak light of a three-quarters moon. He rolled over and sat up, rubbing at his eyes slightly, his vision adjusting to wakefulness. He looked to the window, and saw that Rukia was sitting there with a slight smile on her lips. He became aware of the box in his left hand again, and looked away, feeling a little embarrassed. He could tell she already knew.

She stepped into the room, and slid the window shut behind herself noiselessly. And then she held something out, "Happy Valentine's Day, Ichigo." He smiled at her, and handed the Chappy the Bunny box to Rukia, "Happy Valentine's to you, too, Rukia…"


End file.
